Last night around 10:30pm, a friend’s neighbor called animal control because her dog barked. A uniformed woman with a walkie actually showed up at the door at this late hour of the night and said she would have to put the dog in some kind of incarceration center for 10 days, else pay $1000 per day. This was only the first complaint.
Is this where all the police went?
If someone calls this hotline every time a dog barks, they'll have to build a pet penitentiary.
When toy dogs start getting the hairy eyeball from Pitbulls, their families will be sending care packages of sharpened bones wrapped in bacon and rolled-up newspapers filled with quarters.
Retrievers will undoubtedly get caught hiding tennis balls in their mouths, and submissive dogs will shave all the fur between their tail and back ankles. Doggie saggin'.
They'll soon form packs and rivalries - The Good Boys vs The Bad Dogs vs Ya Stupid Mutts, The Mongrels vs The Pure Breds, and The Sit, Rollover and Play Deads vs The Sump'n Stinky Rollers.
They'll abandon their domesticated names and adopt their own based on Canine-onics - exotic names like Barky Bark, Ruffy Ruff, Bowy Wow, and Woofy Woof.
On occasion, somebody might chuck a cat into the pin and they'll riot until the guard dogs show up, dangling jerky treats and commanding them to sit and stay.
Then, they will all be put in time-out to calm down, watching their favorite reality shows: Fetch Idol, Cat Tank, Fire Hydrants of Atlanta, The Slow Mailman, Who Rolled in It, Anyway?, Canines in Cars with their Heads Out the Window Having Kefir, Honey Where'd I Bury the Bone, and The Bastard.
But, only after they finish their community service, making dog tags and picking up poo on the side of the road.
Cats, of course, will go to a separate facility for purring too loudly, though it is rumored some dogs are having species reassignment to mix into the cat population, including the famous Cat-lyn Jenner and the infamous Cheshire Manning.
A revolutionary icon will rise, Collie Cat-pernick (who can't catch a frisbee or mice) parlaying his flagging appeal as a human companion into a symbol worthy of sponsorship.
A statue of Fluffy will be erected and packs of dogs and colonies of cats will march across every continent, funded by Purina and broadcast on Animal Planet.
Thereafter, cats in hoodies will smash windows at Pet Smart followed by dogs dragging out bags of kibble and squeaky toys, and marking territory with "ADCAP" - All Dog Catchers are People.
Eventually, footage of Fluffy running off-leash, barking and nipping at the neighbor's ankles will be circulated, but by then all will be forgotten and they'll prop up an old dog to bark new tricks.
"Buh-buh-buh-bark. No, no, I mean ruh-ruh-ruff, aww, c'mon, man! Woo-woo-woof, you know, the thing!"
No doubt, Clifford the Big Red Dog is behind all of this.
Orange Dog Bad!
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