Unexpected and unfortunate outcomes of COVID

As part of a thorough screening, everyone must undergo a cavity search, followed by a root canal. To be conducted simultaneously for anyone with an already upset stomach. Immune compromised shall additionally be poked in the eye.

Going forward, everyone shall be referred to by their middle AND last name, no exceptions.

Anyone who struggled with high school math must repeat algebra before they are allowed to end sheltering in place. Just in case, you never know when someone might need it.

Vegetarians must eat their pets, and Democrats must eat vegetarians.

Republicans must donate all Dockers to Goodwill, and Celestine Prophecy is required reading.

To create jobs and save the planet, toilet paper must be replaced by energy drinks which shall be shaken and administered from behind by out-of-work personal trainers who will also then apply sanitizer.

All women are required to listen to 2112 with headphones until they can sing or air drum by heart.

Everyone with a yard is required to grow a garden, and anyone without a yard who has a job is required to buy a house from those who lost their jobs and feed them with the garden they are required to grow in the newly obtained yard.

To save energy, upon request, porn must be performed in pantomime for neighbors.

this is a working list...