If you've heard about the latest and most insidious pathway by which COVID-19 has been spreading, let's hope it wasn't through a Huawei phone.
The Chinese-manufactured device, banned by President Trump and the EU for containing malware, has been found to be transmitting the COVID-19 virus though proprietary sound waves which replicate a fluid pathway of the antigen's most conducive host receptor site. It is thought to be infiltrating and working its way across the electromagnetic spectrum, and is apparently capable of making a parallel jump to a digital form through an algorithmic replication of itself.
The virus has been found festering in microphones where users are sending and receiving audio signals, whereby it translates to a visual contagion by highjacking the built in NLU systems and is then transmittable via voice-to-text, thereby allowing the virus to also spread visually to anyone reading messages via light waves.
The phone-born virus appears to have originated in the Chinese community via voice-to-text in WeChat users, later spreading to WhatsApp and iOS / Siri communities, and has been found to be infecting households that host Alexa.
Concerns that the virus is also using cameras to produce visually contagious images have been raised due to the vulnerability of compression algorithms. FaceTime users have already been stricken as friends and families overcompensate for limitations of social distancing, and Twitter, Facebook and IG communities are expected to become major carriers due to the short, impulse-driven nature of both text-based messaging and image uploads. YouTube is now on high alert, and naturally those consuming porn are totally fucked, those filthy bastards.
Although the virus has been found to mutate slowly, it seems to be enjoying new outlet in digital form.
The virus seems to be bypassing email due to low usage, preferring a more media-savvy host base. The virus appears to be virtually collaborating with the AI and ML communities to generate new media conducive for reaching a wider audience, and is thought to be capable of writing news, making videos and even imitating popular media personas via deep fakes who act as host ambassadors, including Don Lemon and Suzanne Somers, as well as dead celebrities including a striking impression of Jimmy Durante saying "Hah chah chah chah chaaaaaah" to strike fear and confusion into the public. The virus started with concocted selfies posing as Justin Beiber and John Mayer before ultimately assuming an identity as an unfortunate dick pic of Donnie Most aka "Ralph Malph" of Happy Daze fame, but fans knew something was awry because the GIFY version of the dick wore a leather jacket with meme text 'Heyyyyyy', indicating the virus was mixing up the characters.
COVID-19, previously thought to target the elderly, obese, diabetic and immune-compromised communities, is now understood to be far more capable of terrorizing any idiot who believes what they read online or hear from any asshole with an opinion wearing gloves and a mask and walking their dumb dog because the weather is nice, aside from the pollen.
The virus has been spotted galavanting on SnapChat, continuing to appear as Donnie Most's dick but now wearing a mustache and a silly hat. More recently the virus is diligently working on creating it's own YouTube channel where it compiles reaction videos of horrified people reading news about Corona Virus.
COVID-19 is rumored to have signed on with America's Got Talent where it will judge other up and coming viruses out of China and India, and is expected to make the cover of Time Magazine as Virus of the Year.
COVID-19 has also enlisted Cake and Elon Musk to help cowrite a new EDM single remix of "The Distance" expected to be released not surprisingly in early November of 2020. Coincidentally, the virus is said to be on retainer with the DNC to stand in for Joe Biden should he fall ill.
The virus has also begun following late night host and sniveling cunt Jimmie Kimmel on Twitter and requested an appearance in the form of a deep fake Guillermo sketch. Kimmel has declined to respond but was since spotted hacking and wheezing, bumping into walls and hopefully walking into oncoming traffic.
After infiltrating Audible's popular and classic fiction titles and replacing the names of main characters with 'COVID-19', the virus made an unexpected pivot and counter-replaced it's given scientific moniker with 'The Virus Who Cannot Be Named' after completing the Harry Potter series and leaving glowing reviews.
It then astounded scientists by changing it's name yet again after blowing through Amazon Prime's music inventory, swapping out all of Prince's album covers and related merchandise with the notorious Ralph Malph dick pic wearing a frilly neck wrap, small, round purple-tinted glasses and a chintzy mustache, and referring to itself as 'The Virus Formerly Known as COVID-19', and yet again only an hour later updating all references with simply 'The Virus', and images were replaced with clipart of a ladybug from MS Paint.
Not to be outdone, Madonna, 61, has proposed a photoshoot reminiscent of her days with Marky Mark, whereby she seeks to strike a racy pose with the reluctant and bewildered Don Most, now age 66.
Should COVID-19 aka 'The Virus' conquer the electromagnetic spectrum it may ultimately be capable of permeating our brainwaves whereby, pathologists fear, it would begin compulsively drawing mustaches across the faces of our most precious memories while megalomaniacaly referring to itself as 'The Virus Who Cannot Be Thought About'.
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Inspired by this article on CNN:
May spread through talking or breathing
And later thrilled to find this one, not surprisingly, on Star:
May cause brain damage
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